Harm Reduction Part Ten: Pete and Andy

INT: Café.
Pete and Andy and are sitting across from each other at a table. They are both looking remarkably uncomfortable.

Pete:

So why am I here.

Andy:

I told you I wanted to ask you something.

Pete:

I can't imagine what that would be considering you don't really know me.

The two of them sit in uncomfortable silence until Andy breaks the ice.

Andy:

Your friend Justin seems really nice.

Pete:

Look Andy if you're going to try and butter me up with compliments at least make them about me.



Andy:
Why are you always so mean to me?


Pete:
I don't know Andy. You just make it so easy. And is that the question you had to ask me? Cause if it is this is a huge waste of my time.


Andy:
I mean really. I have spent days and nights trying to figure out what it is I did or said to cause this dislike you have for me. And you know what? I can't find anything. Nothing. So what is it?


Pete:
My discomfort is so real right now it's like another person sitting at the table.

Andy:
So what is it?

Pete:
Well I hate to break it to you my dear brother but there isn't a reason. You didn't do anything and you didn't say anything. I just don't like you. I don't care about you and I don't think about you. You are just there.


Andy:
Do you know how that makes me feel?


Pete:
I don't care. Now what's this question you had to ask me?


Andy:
Did my Dad sexually molest you?

Pete:
Wow. And may I ask why you think that may be a possibility?

Andy:
I was thinking about some stuff and it fits. Makes sense.

Pete:
Really. Enlighten me. Better yet, let's analyze this. So if I say no he didn't that's pretty embarrassing for you, right?

Andy:
I guess.

Pete:
And what if I say yes Andy. What if I say ya your Dad not only molested me but he also raped me.

Andy:
Well that would be terrible.

PETE:
And what if I told that he started off trying to make friends with me and earn my trust.

Pause.

PETE:
And what if I told you that over time he started touching me in places he shouldn't have,

Pause

PETE:

And what if I told you that he said if I told anyone he would kill you boys.

ANDY:

His sons?

PETE:
Yes Andy. You and Sam and Robbie.

PETE:

Look Andy, you are the last person on earth I thought I would tell this too. So don't think you have have a coup of information of something just forget it.

ANDY is sobbing.

ANDY:

I didn't want to hear any of this.

PETE:

But you asked.

And you know what dumb ass now maybe you'll sit back and think wow my big bro offered up his ass to save my life. 

Strange but true, eh?

So maybe now I should stop trying to figure him out and just leave him alone.

ANDY:
You don't seem so mad at Sam and Robbie.

PETE:
Well Andy. That would be because you look like your Dad. You sound like your Dad. You even have the same stupid walk.

ANDY:
But I'm not him. That doesn't make sense.

PETE:
Andy, I'm a a gay drug addict multiple rape victim. Every once in a while I might not make sense.

ANDY:

So what do I do to fix this.

PETE:

You can't fix it Andy. It just is. Look I've been nicer than I've ever wanted to be to you by giving you enough crap to explain why I'm mean to you. Go home and think about it and then forget it. OK. We're done.

ANDY:
Maybe we should talk this out.

PETE:
You know what Andy? The discomfort I feel sitting here with you is so strong it's like another person sitting at the table.

ANDY:
Well I feel like I owe you something for protecting me.

PETE:
Well, ya, Andy. You do. And do you what pisses me off. He never had any intention of hurting you. When I realized that I just lost my mind. Do you know that when you were two I kidnapped you?

ANDY:
Ya, I kind of heard about that.

PETE:
Did you ever wonder why?

ANDY:
I just thought it was a story. I didn't know for sure.

PETE:
Well, dear brother, one day I took it upon myself to pull you out of your crib and run away with you.

ANDY:
Why?

PETE:
Because I thought that your Dad would do to you what he did to me.

ANDY:
Where were going to take me?

PETE:
Forgive me. I was nine. The plan went as far as hiding us both in a lump of grass by the creek. Some details were missing.

ANDY:
So what happened?

PETE:
We got found. You went back to your crib and I went to a mental institution.

ANDY:
Didn't you do that again?

Harm Reduction Part Nine -- No Release

                                                                                                                                                

BEN pulls away from PETE and stares into his eyes.

BEN:

 I should get us to the hospital.

PETE:

Were you going to kiss me?

BEN:

I don't know.

PETE:

Please don't ever try that again.

BEN:

OK. I'm sorry. I crossed a line.

PETE:

Don't ever even touch me.

BEN:

Get in the back.

BEN opens the door for PETE. He gets in. BEN goes around to his side. Before he gets in he lets out a sigh of frustration. They pull away. BEN studies PETE in the mirror. PETE is sobbing. They drive away in silence.

INT. NIGHT JAFFEY HOUSE KITCHEN

ROBBIE is at the ktichen table trying to open a carton of milk. ANDY is standing behind him doing the dishes. ROBBIE fumbles the carton and milk flies everywhere.

ROBBIE:

Ay..eee.ay.

ANDY:

Oh dear.

ROBBIE starts sopping up the milk and the dog MIX comes in and starts slurping up the milk.

SAM enters the room. He is on the cellphone. He steps into the milk and wipes out on the floor.

SAM:

Fuck me!

SAM scrambles to his feet. He is now talking into the cellphone.

SAM:

Why the hospital? Fuck. Okay okay. Fuck. Why do I need to come? Well ya, I can get it. It's his.

Twenty. Got it.

SAM hangs up the phone and begins talking to ROBBIE (still cleaning the floor) and ANDY (still doing the dishes.

SAM:

Both of you just stay here.

ROBBIE:

Okay.

ANDY

I'm doing the dishes.

SAM:

I see that. Just wait for me to come back.

ROBBIE:

Is this about Pete?

SAM:

Yes. So just stay here. 

ROBBIE:
What did he do?

SAM doesn't answer and leaves.

INT. DAY:  HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM

BEN and PETE are sitting side by side on a bench in the hospital waiting room. PETE is handcuffed. They both stare straight ahead.

INT. DAY: JAFFEY KITCHEN

ROBBIE:

What do you think he did?

ANDY:

I have no idea.

ROBBIE:

Should I go see?

ANDY:

Sam said not to.

ROBBIE:

They seem to behave themselves a little better when I'm around. 

ANDY:

How would you know how they behave if you're not around?

ROBBIE:

Oh.

(pause)

Nevertheless I think I'm right about that. I should go. Where's the dog? 

ANDY:

Relaxing.

ROBBIE:

He never recognizes the sense of urgency in this house does he.

ANDY is holding a plate up in the air blankly staring at it. ROBBIE watches for a moment.

ANDY:

What?

MIX (the dog) walks into kitchen and takes a dinner plate off the kitchen table and walks away. ROBBIE watches this happen. ANDY continues washing the dishes.





INT. HOSPITAL ROOM

BEN and PETE sit side by side.

BEN

Please tell them it was an accident. It would really help me.

PETE:

You fucking assaulted me.

BEN:

You hit me first.

PETE:

Ya. So what? You were making the moves on me.

BEN:

I wasn't.

PETE:

I'm not a moron. I can see that kind of shit coming. I've been around you know. Why am I even talking to you. I don't even know you. It's not enough that you harass me. Now you fucking clocked me.

BEN:
I'm trying to help you.

PETE:
Oh sure. And I end up hospitalized. Good job.

BEN:
You headbutted me. Really hard. And I overreacted.

PETE:
I'll cut you a deal.
I'll say you fell if you blow me right now.

BEN:
No fucking way.

PETE;
Your choice.

BEN:
Nothing is beneath you is it?

PETE:
Haven't found anything yet.





The Vicious Daisy Camps

By the way I should mention that all of my blogs will be honest and, therefore, x-rated. You have been warned.

So I have to do it...one more schizophrenic hottie tale.
So I'm walking through my same old neighbourhood alley (don't ask) and I see a different crazed youth coming towards me. I assume he's going to ask me for a smoke. He gets closer and closer and then a little too close and then bang!! He bashes right into me.
"Fuck you!" I say.
And then he goes, "Fuck you!
And again, "Fuck you!"
And then he adds, "No, fuck you dude.!
We pause, looking at each other.
We would be great friends.

Onto camping. Me and my BFFM (male) Gerry and my BFFF (female) Jane decided one night that we should spend a bit of time exploring our rustic sides and go camping. We had made that decision after eating a few pot brownies by accident. (I originally thought our lovely troubled friend Marcus had brought a normal dessert. I should have known better.) It was just after my head had separated from my body and was floating up to the ceiling that I thought maybe this is a bad time to make plans. Mmm...us...camping. Would be like throwing three cats into bathtub full of water, i.e., not very organized.

Well, we tried it.

Gerry was to rent a car and pick up Jane and her massive pooch first and  then me and my 110 pound monster dog. Those dogs weren't pets. They were "don't pets."

When Gerry pulled up to my place I realized he had rented the smallest car in town and even though there were three people, camping gear and two massive dogs going on this trip the biggest thing in the car was Jane's summer hat. It stuck out the windows on both sides of the car.
"I am not leaving my dog behind because of your hat."
"Oh, but honey," she whined, "in all of my fantasies about this trip, I'm in this hat. I want it in all the photos..."
We did reach a compromise and tied it to the roof. There we were in the heart of Redneck-land driving around in a car wearing a big hat.The hat blew off mid-journey anyway. Jane was reduced to tears but that happens a lot so it was easy to ignore.

The ride was not exactly serene. The dogs fought. Gerry and I fought. Jane and I fought. I fought with one of the dogs. I can sum it up with one comment from Jane: "If you play one more Erasure tune I am going to slit my wrists!!!"

We stopped off first to buy Jane a bathing suit at a shop in Haliburton. Four hours later we left with Jane in tears, without a bathing suit having tried on every one in the shop, mumbling the mantra, "I'm fat, I'm fat, I'm fat."  Gerry of course was all prepared with a Versace swim suit and matching bathing cap. I wore way-to-big-for me athletic shorts, left behind years ago by an ex, You know the type - the crappy pretend athletic shorts for those who prefer to ponder rather than move. The ones with the inner lining that supports nothing and get all tangled. I tried to deduce which ex left them behind but I came to realize that all of my ex's were about the same size. Doughy.

We next stopped at the grocery store. We had planned to have incredible BBQ's with steak, sausages, ribs...the whole deal. Jane walked into the store, grabbed six grapefruits and announced "I'm done."
Jane should always try on bathing suits right before she goes to the grocery store, She saves money. It's like that "Always go to the grocery store fat" rule.

On the way back to the car I made the mistake of commenting to Jane, "Isn't this fun?."
"Actually no," she replied." "I'm fat. I have nothing to eat but grapefruit and I have lost my hat. So if you say that again I'm going to fuck up your day."

Harm Reduction Part Eight -- Rock Bottom

Harm Reduction Part Eight - Rock Bottom

EXT..DRIVEWAY OF OISE BUILDING - NIGHT

Several cop cars are sitting in front of the building with sirens flashing. BEN pulls up and gets out of his car. He approaches one of the cruisers. PETE is sitting in the back seat. He is bloodied and beaten. BEN opens the car door.

BEN:

 What have you done?

PETE looks up stares at him blankly. 

BEN breathes out in disgust.

An OFFICER approaches. BEN hands him a set of keys.

BEN: (to  OFFICER)

Here. Take my car back to the station. I'll take him.

BEN goes around the cruiser and gets in the front. He turns on the engine.

INT. A COP CAR
The car travels along the city streets on its way back to the station.

PETE:

Where are we going?

BEN:
Honestly Pete, right now we're going to the station to book you and then...well...this time Pete I think your going to jail for a bit.

PETE says nothing.

BEN: (getting annoyed)

What happened Pete?

PETE:

I went to a meeting like you people told me to.

BEN:

You people. You people. Reality is populated by us people Pete. It's not a cult.

PETE:

It is to me.

BEN:

Ok, so what happened at the meeting Pete?

PETE:

It was closed and I got mad.

BEN: (really angry)

It' s a fucking holiday Pete. Seriously do you have any concept of anything? And are you high?

PETE:

Yes.

BEN:

And they said you resisted and got the shit beaten out of you.

PETE:

Yup.

BEN:

I want to sit you down and just scream WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EXPECT??

PETE:

I don't want to be here anymore.

BEN:

Are you suicidal?

PETE:

No. Here. Now. Cuffed in the back of this car.

BEN:

Too fucking bad.

PETE:

Why are you here? Every time. Boom. There's Ben. I want to know why.

BEN:

I've been trying to help you.

PETE: 

I don't want your help. I didn't ask for your help. You can shove your help up your sturdy ass.

BEN: 

Fuck you Pete. And quit the sturdy ass shit.

PETE:

Fuck you Ben.

Silence

PETE:

I think you're in love with me.

BEN:

Ya, right. Have you seen yourself today? Ya, I am enthralled by your hopeless pathetic charisma.

PETE:

I think you are.

BEN:

Is that your alcoholic side thinking that or your drug addict side?

Suddenly PETE slams his head against the metal cage separating him and BEN.

BEN:

HOLY FUCK!!

PETE bashes his head again.

BEN:

STOP IT!!!

PETE lets out a scream.

PETE:

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!

PETE bashes his head on the cage again. BEN slams on the brakes and gets out of the car. He opens the back door and drags PETE out and stands him up against the car. BEN leans in to say something and PETE headbutts him square in the face. BEN stumbles backwards. He holds his hands to his face. He pulls them away and sees nothing but blood. In a rage he charges toward PETE and punches him in the face hard. PETE collapses to the ground. BEN has sunk to his knees.

BEN: (to PETE)

Oh my God. I am so sorry.

BEN stands up and walks over to PETE. He pulls him up to his feet and leans him against the car.

BEN:

Are you ok?

PETE says nothing. He is starting to tear up.

BEN:

I just reacted you know. I'm sorry.

PETE: (through tears)

Your reactions say more than your actions.

BEN: (with an uncomfortable laugh)

Great.

PETE is now heaving with tears. BEN reaches around him and pulls him in tight. PETE cries on BEN's shoulder. They stay that way for some time.

BEN:

Just hang on buddy.

BEN moves back slightly. He cups PETE'S face in his hands and stares at him eye to eye. BEN leans his head in slowly towards PETE'S face. He appears about to kiss him.

PETE: 

 (whispering)  Please don't.

BEN steps back.

BEN:

I'm sorry.

PETE:
Bash me in the face and then try to kiss me. You are fucked up in the head.

BEN:
I'm really sorry.

PETE:
Let's just GO.

 

...to be continued.

 

Harm Reduction Part Seven - Ben

Pete showed up at his first AA meeting drunk and high.Well, he thought, they only said I had to go. There were no other conditions placed on him. One kind attendee leaned over to Pete and whispered in his ear, "You smell like a distillery."
"Thanks," said Pete and he went back to the business of not listening.
There were about thirty people there, all of whom, Pete noted, appeared to be in more distress than him.
At one point they went around the room and each person said their name followed by "and I'm an alcoholic."
I'm not fucking saying that, Pete thought, as the introductions got closer and closer to him. Finally it got to Pete. "Hi. I'm Pete."
That's it. No admission of anything.
Everyone stared at him. He looked at the person next to him as if to say "Ok, move along."
He became known as "the dude in denial" in the rooms of AA.

During his first meeting a stranger handed him a copy of a big book appropriately entitled the "Big Book."  He was told this thing was the bible of AA and that he had to read it at least ten times. Ya, sure, he said.
Pete had to get a new Big Book about every other meeting because he kept losing or destroying them in various ways.
He threw one at a bus that had just pulled away and it got run over by the back wheels. He used one as a wind shield to light up a smoke and it caught fire. (You would think a book for alcoholics would be inflammable.) He dropped another Big Book in the Don River. He managed to fish it out but by the time it dried it had bloated to about eight timed its normal size. He still brought it to the next meeting and plopped it onto the table to various looks of disgust and disbelief.
The same attendee leaned over and whispered in his ear, "You're ridiculous."
Angrily Pete responded, "I'm trying."

One day Ben drove Pete up to Millhaven Correctional  to see Justin
Pete, for some reason, was really nervous about it. Justin. Ah, yes Justin.
A quote from the "Big Book" of  AA (yes he had glanced at it) had become an obsession  -- "the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down."
It made him think of his life with Justin. Even in Justin's company Pete was sometimes desperately lonely.  And this lifestyle was becoming a permanent thing. The longer it went on the harder it would be to change. He knew that.
Pete turned and looked at Ben's face. Ben was a very handsome man. And moral.
He felt warmth from Ben. Justin was about icy danger. As a drug addict  Pete was attracted to both equally.
But Ben.
Pete didn't get close to anyone. He was afraid he would just painfully let them down every day. Pete couldn't bear the idea of someone watching him all the time because even he knew that he was generally up to no good. And this guy's a cop for fuck's sake. Pete wanted to do Pete things. Justin was fine because he wanted to do Pete things too.
Yet, there he was still staring at the side of Ben's face.
Ben turned, looked at Pete, and smiled.
Pete smiled back.
Warmth.
Maybe I'm just deluding myself.
And, he thought, I'm too scared for any of that.

Pete walked into the visitation room at Millhaven and sitting there, behind the glass, was Justin. All the feelings rushed back into Pete. His heart raced and his throat tightened. He ran to Justin and pressed his hands against the glass.
Hey buddy., said Justin.
Hey, said Pete.
The locked eyes for a moment.
Pete was suddenly realizing how much he missed Justin. And he was mad that he was allowing himself to feel this way.
Pete was tearing up.
But then it all stopped. Justin saw Ben.
"What the fuck is he doing here?"
Pete turned around, "Oh, ah, Ben? He brought me here."
"What the fuck, dude. Why?"
"Well ah..."
"Seriously, Pete. What are  you, like, "hanging out" with a cop."
"No Justin he's trying to help me out...."
"Fuck man, I leave you alone for one month and you're fucking...what are you a p.c.goof now or something?"
"I don't know what that is so I'll say no."
Ben leans over and says "Justin, it's not like you were doing him any good..."
"Fuck you Ben...he's my best friend. I fucking look out for him."
"Um," Ben said,"you're in jail and he's all by himself."
Justin bashed the desk with his fist. "Now I'm incarcerated and resentful." Ben, are you fucking him?"
Pete jumped in..."No, Ben is not fucking me. And why would you care?"
Justin stood up pointed a finger at Ben and said "I want you to leave him alone."
Justin turned around and walked out.

"Well, there we are." said Ben.
Pete sat in silence for a bit staring at the spot where Justin had been. Kind of hurt and a little torn.

On the drive home Ben said to Pete,"You know he's no good for you."
Pete responded, "I don't care."

They pulled up to an intersection and came to a stop. Ben checked for cars to the left. He asked Pete, "How's it looking your way?"
"Bleak." he said.

After a couple of weeks of drunken AA attendance it was suggested to Pete that he get a sponsor. Sponsor. Like Bic or  Tide? "No you moron, a sponsor in the program. Someone to guide you. I think you need some help."
So Pete went on a mission to find said "sponsor."
At one meeting Pete overheard this one guy named Rich talking. This guy had 3 years sobriety and yet was questioning everything he was doing. "Do I want this? Do I want sobriety?"  "Ooh," thought Pete, "that's the one. That's my sponsor."
Turns out Rich was a better sponsor than even Pete had expected. Slightly lazy, very inattentive, and with a past history of violence that left even Pete in awe.
"He will leave me alone," Pete thought, "but I can proudly announce that I have a sponsor and get everyone off my back."

One evening, it was probably around his 27th AA meeting, Pete showed up and the door was locked. Through the glass he could see someone inside. He pounded on the door. "Hello! Hello!"
The man was a security guard. He came to the door but didn't open it.
"I'm here for the AA meeting. Could you open the door?" Pete said through the glass.
"We are closed."
"No, I have a meeting. An AA Meeting."
"Closed. Holiday."
"No, I have a meeting. Open the door."
"You no listen man. Closed. Holiday."
"I'm serious, little man," Pete was now yelling. "Open the FUCKING door.""
"I am going to call the police. Go away."
Pete was about to cross the rage line.
He pointed his finger at the man's face.
"You are fucking with my serenity!!!!"

A door was smashed in. 9-1-1 was called.

Ben was driving to work when he got a call.

"Cundiff?" It was police dispatch.
"Ya, it's Ben. Go ahead."
"Ya Cundiff, do you know some guy named Jaffey, Peter Jaffey?"
Ben tensed up.
"I do..."
"Well he's being held in a cruiser over at U of T."
"For what?!"
"Public mischief, break and enter and resisting arrest."
"Are you kidding me?"
"Well they're holding him there now and they said he knows you."
"Ya, ok. I'm coming."
Ben bashed the steering wheel with his hands a few times.
FUCK!!!
He turned the car around and headed back to U of T.





 

Harm Reduction Part Six - Pete's Court Date

Ben pulled over at the Honey Dip Donut Store. He let Pete out of the back of the car and undid his handcuffs.
"So you trust me," Pete said.
"Not really," replied Ben,"but I'm sure I can run faster than you."
They grabbed a table.
"Why did you bring me here, uh..."
"Ben."
"Ben"
"A long time ago when you were in your early twenties you were given to me as a sort of dossier. I was supposed to keep an eye on you."
"Well you didn't."
"Ya, I kinda did."
"Why me?"
"It was a new project about gay cops looking out for troubled young gay guys. They thought we might have some things in common."
"Oh please, what could we possibly have in common. Look at you."
"Look at me what"
"All handsome and put together, and me, I'm all fucked up Ben. And we're about as similar as a halibut and a goat"
"It sounded good in theory."
"So you're a fag." said Pete.
"I am a homosexual."
"Look, I know what happened to you Pete. I know your history."
"You don't know everything. There's shit that's not in some file you might have read. Seriously can we just go."
"Pete, I'll go to court with you. It would look good. Help you out a little."
Pete stared out the window for a bit.
He began, "If Justin goes to jail I'm going to be in trouble."
"Is he your boyfriend?"
"I thought you knew everything."
"I know you spend every waking moment with him."
"It's more complicated than a boyfriend thing."
"You want to hear what I think?"
"No, I don't." Pete was becoming antsy.
Ben continued, "I think you two are co-dependent. I also think one of you has feelings for the other.  Haven't figured out which way is which yet. I think it's you who has a thing for him if I was to place a bet.
Pete just went silent.
"And I tell you now that if you continue hanging out with him you'll get hurt, you'll get into trouble and you will never ever stop drinking and using."
"You are not unique Pete. I've seen all this before."
"Fuck you."
"I'm trying to help you Pete."
"Where the fuck did you come from? Why are you doing this to me?"
"I am trying to help you. I have been watching you...and like I said I've arrested you five times...and that's my limit with you guys... and right now Pete, enough's enough.
"You're one of those people who thinks they can save me. Well, Ben, you can't."
"I can give it a shot."

Justin was sentenced to three months in jail.

Pete did go to court for his latest charge and the judge (who also knew Pete well) decided to try some creative sentencing. She demanded that Pete attend 90 Alcoholics Anonymous meetings over the next 90 days. Upon hearing the sentence Pete shouted out, "That's a crock of shit!" He was told to be quiet. He promptly screamed "I'm not a fucking alcoholic!" "Mr Jaffey! Compose yourself!" said the judge sternly. "Fuck you!".
Ben leaned over and loudly whispered "Pete please"
The court guards were called over to take Pete out of the courtroom. He struggled and wrestled with them.
Ben leaned over and told the judge how sorry he was.
"And who are you?" asked the judge.
"I'm Officer Ben Cundiff, Toronto Police."
"Why are you here?"
"I'm trying to keep him out of trouble."
At that moment the guards tackled Pete to the ground almost knocking Ben over in the process. Ben got back on his feet and dusted himself off.
"And how's that going for you?" the judge asked Ben.

Ben picked up Pete when he was released from jail.
"You have to go to these meetings starting tomorrow," Ben instructed.
"You know I still don't really know who you are, right?"
"There's one at 252 Bloor St. W. tomorrow at 7:30 a.m.."
"Are you fucking kidding me? 7:30? In the morning?"
"Yes Pete, and if you don't go you'll go to jail. And, you know what..."
"What?"
"I can be the one who arrests you."
"Fuck you man."

Pete turned and stared out the window for a while.
His eyes were becoming a bit moist.
"Are you crying?" asked Ben.
Pete looked at Ben and asked "When can I see Justin?"

That night Pete couldn't sleep so at about 4 a.m. he went for one of his typical wanders.
This time he wandered down Parliament St. and turned left on Winchester and then left again into the Necropolis Graveyard. He was surprised the gate was unlocked. He walked past the little chapel and found a horizontal benchlike gravestone. He laid down on it for a little snooze. He was thinking, "This location will have to go in my coffee table book."
He was staring at the chapel with one eye open, one eye closed.
He sat up.
He realized he had been thinking about the cop, Ben. Ben. Not Justin. Ben.
And the feeling he had, although brief, was different.
He was a little shaken by whatever that was.

It had begun snowing and Pete was a little cold. He wandered over to the little chapel and on the off-chance it was open tried the door. It was.
He stepped cautiously in the darkness. When he turned a corner he saw a beam of light from a lamppost streaming through a stained glass window revealing a room with pews and an alter. The beams of light were all different colours. Dust floated.
Pete sat in one of the pews.
He stared at the gold cross which was on the alter shimmering. He was a bit transfixed.

After a while Pete came to the stark realization that in the middle of this calm and beauty he was really fucking angry.

He looked up to the light, paused, and said one word. Softly.

"Why?"

Harm Reduction Part Five - Recovery Denied

The fear Pete had lived with through for most of his childhood had overtaken and smothered all of his other emotions. And then by starting so early with drugs and alcohol his emotions were never able to rebound and grow. He was numb and cold.

Pete was 32 now.
He had promised himself he would get sober before he moved back into the Jaffey house with his brothers but that didn't happen. Realizing that even his deep affection for his brothers couldn't keep him sober Pete got a little hopeless.
The months following the acceptance that he would be accountable to his brothers and his house were some of the worst for Pete. He had always been an angry young man but now he was reacting to every tiny incident with unnecessary exaggerated rage. Pete didn't often analyze what was going on in his head but this behaviour was scaring and confusing him.
Justin's take on it was, "Dude, you're fucked up."
Very helpful.

In the eight months before the move back into his house he (and therefore Justin) had essentially run out of money. Pete's dad's life insurance money was dwindling and Ed wasn't paying any rent because he had been fired from his sad-sack job. And yet the boys continued drinking and using as if nothing was wrong. Things were going obliviously awry.

Justin and Pete began planning ways to make a little extra drug money.
"Justin, I have an idea. I've been thinking about making a coffee table book."
"Ok, that's kind of unexpected," said Justin. "Of what."
Pete, being an alcoholic and coke addict, kept very strange hours. He was known to drift off daytime or nighttime.
"I want to take photos of the best public places in the city to nap. I've tried them all. Some park benches, concrete barriers, statue bases, and the occasional very large tree stump."
"Pete, I'm fascinated." said Justin in all seriousness. He continued, "I have a plan to make a little money too. Although it's not quite as artsy."
"What is it?"
"I am going to deal coke. I kind of know everyone already."
"Jasper will have you killed." said Pete in a rare sober serious moment.
Jasper was Justin and Pete's drug dealer. Pete was sure that if Justin started dealing himself it would be an infringement on Jasper's territory. Jasper's two best customers would also suddenly stop buying.
"We tell Jasper we're clean."
"Look, I have a connection. We could bypass Jasper altogether."
Pete's stomach was turning with fear and intrigue.
"I really don't know Justin...we already owe him a lot of money."
"I could make money and pay him back"
"So you want to make money to pay back your drug dealer by being a drug dealer."
"Correct."
Even to a drunk and high Pete that sounded too good to be true. Pete had a bad feeling about the whole thing. Through all his crazy thinking Pete never had a sense of right or wrong but he did have a magical psychic sense of danger. Coke dealing right in Jasper's face would be pushing their already tenuous limits.
"I'm pretty good at flying under the radar Pete." This coming from a beautiful overgrown man tattooed from ankle to neck, very fond of brightly coloured sneakers." Very subtle.

The money situation became more real one night when they realized they couldn't afford to buy smokes or a bag of Skittles. They went in the convieniece store to look around anyway. Justin walked up to the cash with the bag of Skittles he wanted and announced, "I am taking some stuff and I have a weapon. And give me a pack of smokes."
And they walked out.
"What the fuck was that?" Pete asked incredulously.
"Justin, that's fucking serious."
"You worry too much. It worked."

It didn't work at all. The two of them crossed through Allen Gardens.
A few seconds later a cop car came screeching to a halt right behind them. Then one was in front of them. Then one raced up from the left and one from the right. Pete was looking down the barrel of a shotgun. About ten other officers had their guns drawn.

Holy shit.

The boys were separated and slammed face down on the hoods of two different police cars.
The cops screamed "Got any weapons or drugs?!" as they emptied their pockets onto the hoods of the cars. They found a pack of smokes and a bag of Skittles. Justin and Pete were handcuffed and thrown into the backs of two different cruisers.

Pete sat in the back of the cruiser and thought...well this time I didn't really do anything. But he didn't want to rat out Justin either.
The front door opened and Officer Ben Cundiff got it in and sat down. He typed a few things on his computer. He looked at Pete in his rearview mirror.
"Hello Pete." he said.
Pete was confused. "How do you know who I am?"
"Pete, This is the fifth time I've arrested you."
"Oh...um...oops."
"Ya, you're sort of a hobby for me. You don't remember any of them do you?"
Pete said, "Wait a second, did I call you "sturdy ass" once.
Ya, ahem, that's me.
"See, I remember stuff."
"I 'd rather you didn't remember that."
"Look Pete, I know Justin did all this. The store owner was pretty clear about that. But seriously, you're really high or drunk or something, so I still have to take you in."
"You don't really. And where is Justin?"
"Justin is in a bit of  trouble Pete. He said he had a weapon."
"He's always doing that."
"Don't say that in court, ok."
"Ok." said Pete.
"Look," began Ben,  "Let's go for a coffee before we go in."
"Why?"
"Pete, I've been watching you for a long time now. I honestly thought you'd be done with all this by now."
"All what?"
"You don't think there's anything wrong with living like this?"
"No, I don't."
Ben started up the car and heading toward a coffee shop.